Stooges Squad

Summary: There’s a reason they keep getting called ‘the Stooges Squad’.
Pairings: None, really.
Rating: T
Genre: Drama / Humor
Story Type: Crime!AU
Setting: No particular.
Warning: Too much L&O, man. The murder is not the plot. Much randomness.

“MIKADO!!!” The detective ran towards the other with all his might and tackled him to the ground by hitting him right in the neck with crossed arms. He quickly stood up and grinned down on the almost unconscious detective. “You daredevil, you! I heard you went out on a date yesterday! And with Anri-chan no less!”

“What are you talking about, Masaomi?” Ryugamine Mikado coughed a bit before asking. Then, with care not to be tackled again, he stood up and faced the offender.

“Don’t try to play dumb, Mikado! I heard it from Karisawa-san! She saw you on her way home!” Kida Masaomi poked fun at his best friend without noticing that someone had snuck up behind them.

“But that’s not what happened…” Sonohara Anri’s low voice scared Masaomi and the other ran behind Mikado with a smile in place.

“Anri-chan was supposed to be meeting me but got caught up catching a bad guy!” Mikajima Saki came up from behind the trio with a smile. “Good work last night, Anri-chan. And thank you for helping out even though you had the night off, Ryugamine-kun.”

“It was simply my duty, Mikajima-san.” Mikado said honestly and received a pair of slaps from behind.

“Nicely said!” Both Masaomi and a newcomer spoke at the same time, surprising the group. Immediately, all four stood in front of the superior man and saluted him. “Oh, please. At ease kids, I’m not here to hurt you. Though, Saki-chan, I’m curious as to why you’re also saluting me since you’re not an officer.” His tone sounded normal though all four heard the belittling tone in the back of their minds.

As Saki put away her hand, she softly smiled at Orihara Izaya. “It’s a force of habit from watching the detectives and officers, Chief.”

“How nice.” Izaya’s smile irked them all while the man continued with his small speech. “Well, I have good news for you all! We have a new recruit to the squad! A fresh cadet who just recently graduated from his exam with top scores. Well, it shouldn’t bother you all too much since he’ll be at the charge of Dotachin. See ya all in the office!” In a singsong manner, Izaya left them. All four swore they could see the small skip in his step.

Masaomi was the first to sigh; and deeply at that. “When he said cadet…”

“We know.” Both Mikado and Anri answered at the same time with a neutral look. Saki seemed curious at what was going through their minds but kept quiet for the moment.

“Hey, you got a case.” The taller of two incoming men caused them to salute again, though this time, Saki held herself back. “At ease. Ryugamine and Sonohara, you two handle the case. Kida, I need to you recheck the case file from last week. Kadota and Mikajima, let’s go. You two are with me.”

“You got it, Captain!” As one they replied to Heiwajima Shizuo with vigor. Mikado and Anri were the first to leave after hearing their destination from Shizuo. Masaomi headed down a few floors to look for the information requested of him. The last two, Saki and Kadota Kyohei, followed Shizuo to their squad.

While Shizuo took the two to Izaya’s office to present the new recruit, Mikado and Anri arrived at the location they were sent to. It was a massacre scene with blood on the walls and bodies covered with sheets.

“Ooh! Mikado-kun and Anri-chan! You got sent here today?” A happy-looking man who was part of the forensics group came towards the two detectives. He had been searching around while his partner took pictures.

“Hello Yumasaki-san. Togusa-san, anything you can tell?” Mikado greeted both Yumasaki Walker and Togusa Saburou while Anri walked around the crime scene and inspected the bodies.

“Looks like the knife caused splatter from here to there. The one on the left took a bullet which Walker found just now.” He pointed to Walker, who was placing a bullet into an evidence cup. “The offender took off and…well ask the officers, I got other photographs to take.” Saburou answered lazily and continued with his work.

“Ryugamine-kun, this here…” Anri called Mikado over and pointed to a neck wound on one of the victims. “It’s the same, right?”

“Third one this month.” Mikado sighed and looked around. “But this isn’t his MO. Did he get caught by surprise? The one who got shot…is a woman? Could that be why? The rest have always been males.” As he inspected the second body, a man in a lab coat arrived with a smile.

“Here to take the body! Ooh, this looks interesting.” As everyone in the scene rolled their eyes, the man motioned for the bodies to be taken away. “See you two later!” And just like he arrived, the man left in the same hurry.

Mikado took notes from what the responding officers commented while Anri finished inspecting the room. As soon as they were done, they headed out to canvass the neighborhood. Following some leads, they came up with nothing for the moment and headed back to their squad to report the situation.

“Welcome home honeys!” Masaomi greeted from the hallway, about to enter their squad room. “So, is it him? I had this funny feeling ever since the Captain asked me to recheck the case files. We’re going to do a lot of field work again, I can just tell.” As they opened the door, both Masaomi and Anri froze at the sound of;


Almost one second after this, Mikado’s foot landed on the incoming person, surprising everyone in the squad. They all turned to look at the scene in front of them and even Izaya had come out of his office to look at what caused the sound.

“Man, you totally don’t learn your lesson, do you Kuronuma?” Masaomi shook his head at the nearly unconscious form of Kuronuma Aoba. Ignoring their kouhai, he proceeded to bring in the previous cases to Shizuo’s desk.

“Kida, explain.” Shizuo’s nerves were about to explode from anger and all the tomfoolery that occurred on a daily basis in this squad.

“Kuronuma’s our kouhai from the academy, Captain. He’s Mikado’s biggest fan.” Masaomi joked around while dropping the paperwork on Shizuo’s desk. “Well, I wasn’t surprised he came after the guy. No one else is stupid enough to come into the squad the others call the ‘Stooges Squad’ after all.”

“You belong in this squad too, you know.” Kyohei appeared with a cup of coffee in his hand. He seemed bored of the conversation already and was about to leave when he saw the case files on the desk. “He hit again? Looks like I can’t quit until we catch this guy.”

Mikado and Anri arrived at the gathering, noting how Izaya had already retreated to his office. They were planning on commenting on Kyohei’s words when Shizuo’s phone rang.

“Heiwajima.” He quickly greeted whoever was on the other line while massaging his forehead. “I’ll tell them.” Quickly hanging up, he looked over to Mikado and Anri. “Karisawa has something.”

With a nod, the two quickly walked away, holding off on their report for the moment. Once they arrived at the ballistics lab, they were greeted by the pop of a party popper with surprise. The woman responsible grinned in their direction and Mikado had a feeling why.

“Congrats! I hear you two are together. Now maybe you can give some pointers to Iza-Iza and Shizu-Shizu!” Karisawa Erika went into a daydream, leaving to the two by themselves.

“You’ll get fired one of these days, Erika-san.” Mikado sighed sadly while lecturing her.

“Oh, but then I’ll get a severance pay for abuse of power on Iza-Iza’s part!” Erika nearly freaked out but quickly got back on track without having to have someone to remind of her job. “My hard work of updating the databases before leaving sure paid off! I’m glad I also asked for the hardware upgrade.”

“Erika-san, you found something?” Anri tried to bring the woman back from her rant.

“Ah! Oh, right! Anyways, this is really interesting. Wherever your gun is, it was involved in an unsolved murder case a year ago. The assailant was never captured but it seems like all your recent victims were somehow involved in the case.” Erika explained with a smile and handed them a folder with the basic information on the case.

“I remember reading about this.” Anri was the first to comment and Mikado nodded in agreement. “Then, the man who was murdered with this gun, could this be revenge killing?”

“The wife survived the attack but was left mute so she would have a good chance of surprising each of our victims. But, wasn’t she left in a wheel chair? Let’s inform the Captain.” Mikado suggested and they headed back again to inform on all their findings.

Once the report was over with, they got called to the morgue while Kyohei took Masaomi and the recently woken Aoba on a re-canvassing of the witnesses of the old case.

At the morgue, they met with an unexpected person. The foreigner seemed to be caught by surprise as she bashfully tried to cover her food from them. “I wasn’t hiding from the Chief! I just wanted a peaceful lunch!”

“Oh, don’t run off now Celty-kun! You were about to give me your opinion on this!” The doctor pouted as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Ew! Shinra! You just handled the corpses with those hands!” Celty Sturluson took a step back while making sure her cup ramen didn’t fall from her hands.

“That’s so mean Celty-kun! The human body is a wonderful mechanism!” Kishitani Shinra took offense at the woman’s disgust and turned over to the newcomers. “Anyways, you all remember the last two victims, right? This guy died the same way; exsanguinations from repeated cuts, mainly through the aorta on the neck. It was quick but painful.”

“And the woman?” Mikado quickly asked, walking with Shinra to the woman’s corpse, alongside Anri.

“The bullet couldn’t have been more precise, unless it was a fluke. Anyways, she was pregnant recently. By the scarring, I’d say she gave birth about a month ago.” Shinra explained with a smile, happy with his findings for the moment.

“Wait, hold on…” Mikado started to speak, almost nervously.

“There wasn’t a baby found on the scene.” Anri finished for him.

“Much less anything that indicated a child.” Mikado’s face began to pale. “Are you saying her child was…?”

“I don’t do your job, but do assume what you wish. I would suggest taking another look at the crime scene. My father had a house like that one once; they tend to come with a secret room.” How Shinra knew something like that as beyond the two detectives but they knew they’d have to go back again. There’d be no problem with that anyways.

“There’s a huge problem with that now.” Izaya said as soon as they stopped by the office. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it. But someone just saw a suspicious person enter the apartment with a child in their hands. I think we might have to call the snipers.” His grin was wide, everyone in the office noted.

Mikado held in his comment and headed out with Anri after they each grabbed a bullet-proof vest from their lockers. Shizuo sent a notice to Masaomi’s group so they’d soon be on their way too. In a high-speed fashion, Mikado and Anri soon arrived at the scene of the most recent murders. Once there, Mikado and Anri, who now held a sword in her hands, went inside, followed by a pair of officers for backup.

“Celty-san, you see anything?” Mikado asked through the walkie-talkie.

“Negative. All curtains are drawn in the room. I can barely see through the gaps.” Celty returned a response as she and her team were stationed in the surrounding buildings.

“What should we do, Ryugamine-kun?” Anri asked worriedly, as she held on tight to her sword.

Falling silent for a few seconds, Mikado nodded to himself and got closer to the now open hidden room Shinra was talking about. “Hey there, friend. Do you want to talk about this?”

“Go away!” A man’s voice could be heard from the other side and Mikado tried to get a closer look.

“That’s the wife’s brother.” Masaomi’s low yet sudden voice surprised Mikado, who nearly hit his best friend. “We saw him earlier. I thought he looked shaky. Anyways, Mikado, looks like his sister made a whole recovery around the time this clinic was robbed and her husband’s eggs were taken.”

Mikado and Anri gaped at Masaomi in shock. “Are you saying, the woman is the wife?”

“Looks like it sempai! So she probably did the robbery so she could grab this inheritance the husband left for his future children, which was about to be given to charity.” The annoying kouhai came in with a smile. “But that woman was so stupid! She planned all this but any doctor would have realized eventually with our help that she was the one who stole the eggs.”

“So the other men were her co-conspirators, is that so Kadota-san?” Mikado turned to Kyohei, who turned up with another pair of officers.

“We think so. I did notice something odd at his place. There were a lot of pictures of the dead husband and few of his sister. It’s possible he was in love with his dead brother-in-law.” Kyohei explained his theory to Mikado and Anri, who appreciated it more.

Nodding to Anri, his partner headed in front to speak. “You blame your sister, do you not? She did not appreciate her husband like you did, is this not correct?”

“What do you know?!” The man’s voice responded with sobs.

“That child, even though your sister gave birth to it, you cannot bring yourself to hurt it. It’s your only link to him, is it not? You were worried she would hurt him like she did to him, am I wrong?” Anri asked softly and a few moments passed before the man answered again.

“…She didn’t deserve him. I wanted him to notice that. In the end, he died not knowing anything.”

“But I’m sure he knew you cared for him, or at least that you were right. Why else would he leave everything of his to his children? Do you not think so?” Anri came into the room after handing her sword to Mikado.

“I guess…you’re right…” The man looked wearily at the baby in his arms. It was currently sleeping.

“Then do not let that child be disappointed in the one person who cares for him the most. Will you talk to us?” Anri tried to relax him by phrasing her wording correctly in order for him to give her the baby.

“I don’t know how…” The man answered unsurely.

“It’s very easy. While my coworkers check on the health of the baby, you and I can talk about it at the station.” Anri smiled at the man who took a while as he looked at the baby. Very slowly, he smiled at the baby and nodded to Anri.

“Okay, Aoba-kun, go pick up the baby.” Mikado ordered of his kouhai, who happily responded and walked over swiftly to the man, taking the child away.

After that, Anri read the man his rights and took him away with Mikado’s help. After a few hours of interrogation, the man confessed to everything and was taken away. Once they were done, Masaomi took the two out to drinks.

“To a job well done!” Masaomi cheered and the four there clinked their glasses together. “So, Kadota-san, are you going to retire now that we’ve finished this case?”

“I’m not retiring, you know. I’m not getting those kinds of benefits.” Kyohei replied while drinking from his mug of beer. “But, I will miss you guys.”

“Just us?” Masaomi grinned while nudging Kyohei.

“Sorry we’re late.” Saki, Erika, Walker and Saburou came in and joined their group.

“Well, considering these three idiots are going to join me, you gotta be right. It’s just you three and Mikajima-san.” Kyohei replied and motioned for a waiter.

“Aw, Dotachin, you didn’t have to be so cute about that!” Erika seemed happy about the praise only she caught coming from Kyohei’s mouth. “One apple cider, please.”

“Kadota-san is pretty shy about our new profession. You really shouldn’t tease him too much, Karisawa-san.” Walker said with a smile after ordering his beer. Saburou took the opportunity to ask from his own drink and something to eat.

“I will say this though; I’ll miss Kadota-san trying to make the squad less of a joke with the rest of the station.” Masaomi chuckled and Mikado shook his head with a smile. “And Karisawa-san’s unique view on evidence. And Yumasaki-san and Togusa-san’s dead on shots on crime scenes.”

“I bow in thanks.” Erika and Walker said at the same time with a grin on their faces.

“Am I late?” Shizuo came closer to the group, about ready to smoke a cigarette.

“Kyaa! It’s the Captain!” Masaomi and Erika squealed with delight, halfheartedly joking around. “Our great leader managed to escape the claws of meetings? I thought for sure Chief Orihara would keep you awake all night!” As the two kept enjoying themselves, Mikado and Walker put a stop to them by pinching their cheeks.

As more food arrived, so did the alcohol. Around midnight, Mikado and Anri looked red from the beer while Masaomi, Erika and Walker had begun singing. Saki was smiling, not seeming at all fazed by the beer while Kadota kept his hold just as well. Saburou had already been knocked out and Shizuo looked like he could snap soon.

“Nobody invited me to this gathering? How cruel of you all.” Izaya showed up with a smile and looked around. “Where’s Aoba-kun? Did you all leave him looking after the baby at the hospital?” At his question, everyone froze and Mikado and Masaomi looked at each other. In another second, Masaomi resumed his singing while Mikado drank another cup.

“It should be okay, Chief. I don’t think Kuronuma-kun will stay the whole night there.” Saki said with a smile as Masaomi tackled her, startling her in the process.

“And if he does, who cares?!”

“True, true.” Mikado responded with a smile and the rest were shocked to hear those words from his mouth. At that moment, Anri gave up and fell asleep on Mikado’s shoulder. “Ah, I should probably go to sleep soon too.” And with those words, Mikado followed suit.

“That’s it. I’m switching to milk now.” Shizuo called for a waiter as Izaya scooted into the table.

“Chief, the new seats are coming tomorrow, correct?” Saki began a conversation very naturally with Izaya, who proceeded to talk business after ordering something for himself.

“Hello~!” Suddenly, Shinra and Celty arrived with happy grins on their faces. “You know what? You know what? The human body is fascinating, everyone. Have you noticed how resilient it is to attacks and pain?” Shinra began babbling as they crashed into their get together.

“I’m surprised to see you here, Celty-kun. You know you still owe me a report on that last dealing we had.” Izaya grinned and the woman froze before tears swelled up in her eyes.

As Shinra began to try and calm down Celty, no one noticed the sleeping pair murmur, “Run…”

“You’re so mean, Chief!” Grabbing a nearby tray from a waiter, Celty slammed the tray on top of Izaya’s head. Immediately, the singing trio began to laugh hysterically.

“She put the Irish in!” Masaomi and Erika laughed together as Shizuo tried to hold in his own.

“That was very daring of you Celty-kun…” Izaya’s sly grin became wider as he obviously got angry.

“Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!” Masaomi and Erika now began to edge on the two, causing a bigger ruckus which ended with them being kicked out of the bar.

Once out, they formed groups in order to return home. Kyohei held onto the sleeping Saburou by hanging his arm around his shoulder. Walker carried Erika in a piggy-back ride though the other was still too hyped up on the alcohol she had started to accidently ingest. Shizuo was carrying the sleeping Anri like a child while Izaya had Mikado also in a piggy-back ride. Shinra held onto Celty by the waist and arm. Masaomi and Saki were the last two standing, though it was obvious Masaomi was still inebriated.

“Well, we’re heading this way! Someone’s got to pick up Kuronuma!” Masaomi grinned and walked away, as Saki followed him to make sure nothing would happen to him on the way.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. My resignation will be on your desk then, Captain, Chief.” Kyohei nodded to each of them and turned to leave.

“Good night, all. See you tomorrow, I guess.” Walker seemed happy as he freaked out for a moment because Erika had moved to say, “Night night, Iza-Iza, Shizu-Shizu!”

“Well, shall we Shizu-chan?” Izaya grinned at Shizuo, who kicked him from behind.

“And that’s only because we’re off duty. I’d kill you if either of us didn’t work together.” Shizuo growled while beginning his walk home.

Izaya laughed since they’d have to ride the same train all to way to the same apartment building because they coincidentally lived in the same floor as well. This was the reason Erika had so much fun poking fun at the two superiors. And they were the main part of the reason why their squad was called ‘The Stooges Squad’.


“Noooo! Tell me it isn’t true!” Aoba’s scream sounded throughout the hospital floor and Masaomi simply laughed at his expense. “Why?! Why didn’t sempai invite me?!”

“Seriously man, you know we hate you! I sure as hell wouldn’t go to a celebration with you there!” Masaomi responded and swayed for a moment as Saki helped him stay up.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll enjoy being in our squad soon, Kuronuma-kun. Though it’s not for everyone and we might be looked down on, but nobody gets the job done like we do.” Saki tried to invite him in peacefully with a smile but the younger one glared at her.

“Who cares about how good the squad is?! The only reason I joined was so I could be partners with sempai!” Aoba cried all by his lonesome and Masaomi found it hilarious. All Saki could think was that another ‘stooge’ had just joined the squad. There would be no reason why the squad would ever begin to get better reviews.

Stooge End

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